The Shock of Motherhood: Identity Loss, Emotional Rollercoasters, and Sleep Deprivation

The Shock of Becoming a Mum

In this episode of Real Mummy, Lucy and her guest Tam delve into the life-altering experience of becoming a mother and the challenges that come with it. Lucy, a long-time friend of Tam's, is eager to hear about her journey into motherhood, acknowledging the significant changes it brings.

The Initial Transition

Tam describes the surreal experience of bringing her newborn home from the hospital, feeling ill-equipped and uncertain about her new role as a mother. She highlights the lack of preparation for the reality of motherhood, despite reading books and listening to advice. The traumatic birth and the sudden responsibility of caring for a new life can be overwhelming.

Mourning Your Previous Self

Both Lucy and Tam reflect on the loss of identity that often accompanies motherhood. They discuss how their independence and sense of self changed drastically after having a baby. Lucy mentions mourning her previous life and struggling to find time for herself while being a full-time mum to a young child.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

The transition to motherhood is emotionally charged, with Tam sharing her experience of an emergency C-section and the physical and mental toll it took on her. She also highlights the discrepancy between expectations and reality, noting how exhaustion and the demands of a newborn can overshadow the idealized image of motherhood. The sleep deprivation and the constant need to care for a dependent little one can be all-consuming.

The Reality of New Responsibilities

Lucy and Tam discuss the lack of support new mothers often face today, contrasting it with the traditional village-style upbringing where extended family members were more involved. They explore the challenges of being the default parent and how it can impact their sense of self. Tam also shares her struggles with breastfeeding and the pressure to meet self-imposed timelines. Ultimately, they emphasize the importance of self-acceptance and letting go of unrealistic expectations.

The Power of Support and Community

Navigating the challenges of motherhood is made easier when you have a strong support system in place. This can come in various forms, from friends and family to finding your "mum tribe" and seeking professional help when needed.

The importance of having a supportive community is emphasized by both Lucy and Tam, who acknowledge the impact it can have on a mother's well-being. They encourage mothers to seek out like-minded individuals who can offer empathy, understanding, and practical help.

As Lucy highlights, "Find your village... If you find that one person, honestly, it'll make a world of difference." This sentiment is echoed by Tam, who shares the value of shared experiences and the comfort found in knowing that others are going through similar struggles.

Professional Support: Lactation Consultants

One specific area where professional support can be invaluable is breastfeeding. Both Lucy and Tam discuss their breastfeeding journeys, which didn't always go according to plan. They emphasize the benefit of seeking help from lactation consultants, who can provide guidance and support to new mothers navigating the challenges of breastfeeding.

Lucy and Tam's experiences highlight the importance of letting go of self-imposed expectations and seeking support when needed. By doing so, mothers can find a sense of community and solidarity, making the journey of motherhood a little less isolating and a lot more manageable.

The Reality of Sleep Deprivation

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, according to Lucy, and it's a major shock for new mothers. Tam and Lucy discuss the challenges of newborn sleep patterns and how they contradict expectations. They reflect on the constant exhaustion and the discrepancy between advice and reality. Tam shares her experience of having to wake her jaundiced baby every three hours for feedings, disrupting any sense of routine. This led to a cycle of sleep deprivation and the feeling of being lonely and overwhelmed. However, they emphasize that it does get better and isn't a competition. Every child is different in their sleep patterns and eventual progress toward sleeping through the night.

A Complex Journey

The journey of managing newborn sleep is complex and unique for each child and parent. While there is an abundance of advice and techniques, what works for one child may not work for another. Tam and Lucy highlight the limitations of advice and the importance of adapting to individual needs. They encourage mothers to be kind to themselves and let go of self-imposed expectations. The reality is that newborns don't always sleep when tired, and their catnaps can be frustratingly short for parents hoping to catch a break.

Finding Your Way

Despite the challenges, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Tam and Lucy share their experiences of eventually finding a routine and getting more sleep. They emphasize the resilience of the body and mind during this demanding period. While it can feel like a lonely struggle, they assure mothers that they aren't alone in their experiences. The key message is to embrace the uniqueness of your child's sleep journey and seek support when needed.

Breastfeeding: Challenges and Solutions

Breastfeeding can come with its own set of challenges, as both Lucy and Tam discovered. Despite their best intentions and preparations, they encountered difficulties that many new mothers can relate to.

Setting Expectations

It's important to recognize that breastfeeding may not always go as planned. Lucy and Tam's experiences highlight the importance of managing expectations and being open to adapting as challenges arise.

For example, Lucy initially planned to breastfeed exclusively but encountered challenges with her milk supply and baby's latch. Tam, on the other hand, chose to combine breastfeeding with formula feeding due to her baby's jaundice and her own health issues. Both mothers eventually found their own paths and let go of self-imposed pressure, emphasizing the importance of flexibility and self-compassion.

Common Issues: Tongue Ties and More

One common issue that can impact breastfeeding is tongue tie, which can affect the baby's ability to latch properly. In Tam's case, her baby Quinn had a slight tongue tie, which made breastfeeding challenging. It's worth noting that tongue tie is not the only issue that can arise; lip ties and palate issues can also play a role.

Additionally, as Lucy experienced, large breasts can make breastfeeding more awkward and challenging. This can lead to feelings of discomfort and anxiety during feeding.

Seeking Professional Help

When faced with breastfeeding challenges, seeking professional help can be a game-changer. Both Lucy and Tam found lactation consultants to be invaluable. These specialists provided guidance, support, and practical solutions to address their specific issues.

By sharing their experiences, Lucy and Tam emphasize the importance of seeking help early on and not struggling alone. They encourage mothers to prioritize their well-being and the health of their babies, even if it means adjusting their initial plans.

The Power of Persistence and Flexibility

While breastfeeding can be challenging, it's important to remember that persistence and flexibility can go a long way. Every journey is unique, and what works for one mother may not work for another.

By sharing their honest and relatable experiences, Lucy and Tam offer a message of hope and encouragement to new mothers. They emphasize the value of letting go of expectations, seeking professional support, and adapting to the unique needs of yourself and your baby.

Overcoming Breastfeeding Guilt

Breastfeeding can be an emotional rollercoaster, and it's essential to recognize that each journey is unique. Lucy and Tam open up about their struggles with breastfeeding and the guilt they experienced when things didn't go as planned.

For Lucy, the reality of breastfeeding hit hard. Despite her initial enthusiasm, she faced challenges with milk supply and her baby's latch. She recalls feeling "so awkward" due to her large breasts, which made the process uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing. Like many mothers, she had to let go of her expectations and turn to formula feeding to ensure her baby received adequate nutrition.

Tam, on the other hand, shares her experience with Quinn's slight tongue tie, which made breastfeeding difficult. She emphasizes that it's not just tongue ties but also lip ties and palate issues that can impact a baby's ability to latch. Tam and Lucy both sought help from lactation consultants, highlighting the importance of professional support.

The emotional toll of breastfeeding struggles is significant. Lucy and Tam felt the pressure to breastfeed and the self-imposed guilt when they encountered challenges. They emphasize the need to let go of expectations and adapt to the unique needs of yourself and your baby. As Lucy poignantly shares, "the sooner you let go, the easier the journey becomes." It's a message of self-compassion and a reminder that formula feeding is a valid option when needed.

The Formula Feeding Option

Formula feeding can be a lifeline for mothers facing breastfeeding challenges. Both Lucy and Tam turned to formula feeding at different points in their journeys, and they emphasize the importance of prioritizing the health and well-being of both mother and baby. As Lucy shares, "you've got to stop putting pressure on yourself and you've just got to let go." It's a reminder that feeding your baby, regardless of the method, is an act of love and care.

The decision to formula feed can be emotionally challenging, especially with the societal pressure to breastfeed. Lucy recalls feeling like a "failure as a mum" when she had to open a tin of formula. However, she soon realized that her baby was "the happiest, healthiest baby" and that her initial expectations were unrealistic. It's a powerful message of self-acceptance and a reminder that formula feeding can provide the necessary nourishment for a baby to thrive.

Navigating Identity Loss as a New Mum

For many new mums, the arrival of a baby marks a significant shift in identity. You go from being an individual to being primarily known as "someone's mum". This shift can be challenging to navigate, and it's something both Lucy and Tam experienced.

Before having kids, Lucy describes herself as a social person who enjoyed brunching with the girls, wine nights, and outings with her partner, Mark. However, after becoming a mum, she felt like she had lost a part of her social life. She struggled with the grief of losing her pre-motherhood social freedom and the sense of self that came with it. Lucy also mentions how she was the first among her close friends to have a baby, which made her feel even more isolated as she adjusted to her new role.

This sense of identity loss extended beyond social activities. Lucy shares how she even missed doing simple things like going to the hairdresser without having to plan and arrange childcare. She highlights the constant demands of being a full-time mum and how it can be all-consuming, leaving little room for self-care or activities that nurture your identity outside of motherhood.

The Default Parent

Lucy's experience underscores the unique challenges faced by mothers, especially when they become the default parent, taking on the majority of childcare responsibilities. She shares how her partner, Mark, didn't undergo the same level of identity shift as he continued working and didn't experience the same hormonal changes and physical transformations that come with pregnancy and childbirth.

Lucy's story resonates with Tam, who also navigated a major identity crisis after becoming a mum. She describes how she wasn't just "Tam" anymore; she was primarily "Quinn's mum". This shift in identity can be disorienting and contribute to feelings of loss and depression. It's essential to recognize and address these feelings to prevent them from escalating into more serious mental health issues.

Communicating with Your Partner

Communicating with your partner is crucial during this time. Lucy shares how she had a conversation with Mark about losing a bit of her identity, and while he initially didn't understand and took it personally, they were eventually able to work through it together. It's important to express your feelings and seek support from your partner as you navigate this new phase of your life together.

Additionally, recognizing that your partner may also be experiencing their own sense of loss or adjustment can help foster empathy and understanding within the relationship. Open communication can help you both support each other and adapt to your new roles as parents.

Finding Yourself Again

It's important to remember that your identity as an individual doesn't disappear when you become a mum. It may evolve and change, but it's still there. Lucy shares how she is starting to find herself again as her child approaches 10 months old. She emphasizes that it's a journey and a process, and while it can feel overwhelming at times, it won't stay that way forever.

Allow yourself time to adjust and grieve the losses while also celebrating the joys of motherhood. As Lucy and Tam's experiences show, it's crucial to be kind to yourself and adapt to your new normal. Seek out support from other mums who understand what you're going through, and remember that you're not alone in this journey.

Rebuilding Your Social Life

Becoming a mum can significantly impact your social life. Both Lucy and Tam experienced a sense of loss for their pre-motherhood social activities and freedom. Lucy, who describes herself as a social person, found it challenging to let go of her previous lifestyle, which included brunches with friends, wine nights, and outings with her partner, Mark. This sense of loss extended beyond social events; even simple tasks like going to the hairdresser became more difficult without the spontaneity and freedom she once had.

The isolation and grief associated with this lifestyle change can be overwhelming. Lucy, who was the first among her close friends to have a baby, felt a disconnect as she adjusted to motherhood while her friends continued their usual social routines. This social isolation is a common experience for new mums, and it can contribute to feelings of loneliness and depression. It's crucial to recognize and address these feelings and seek support to prevent them from escalating into more serious mental health issues.

Balancing Social Life and Parenthood

Navigating social life as a new mum can be challenging, but it's not impossible. Lucy and Tam emphasize the importance of finding a balance between social activities and parenthood. It's all about adjusting to your new normal and making time for yourself while also embracing the joys of motherhood. Lucy shares how she has started to reconnect with her social life as her child approaches 10 months old, emphasizing that it's a journey and a process that takes time.

It's essential to be kind to yourself and adapt to your new role as a mum. This may involve planning and prioritizing social activities that work for you. For example, Lucy mentions how she now chooses a gym that allows her to bring her baby and toddler, accommodating her parental responsibilities while also prioritizing self-care. It's about finding creative ways to reconnect with your social circle and nurture your identity outside of motherhood.

Reconnecting with Friends

As your social life evolves, you may find that your relationships with friends also change. Lucy experienced this as she navigated motherhood while her friends continued their child-free lives. She felt a disconnect from her friends and struggled with the fear of having nothing to talk about beyond motherhood. However, she eventually realized that this fear was unfounded and that her friends were still supportive and understanding. It's essential to communicate with your friends and give yourself time to adjust to your new identity as a mum. You may find that your friendships evolve and take on new meanings as you navigate this new phase of your life.

Embracing the Journey

Motherhood is a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences, and it's important to embrace the ups and downs as part of the journey. As a first-time mum, it's common to feel like you're wishing away the early months, longing for more sleep, a proper routine, or just some peace and quiet. But then, when those moments pass, you might find yourself longing for the newborn days again.

It's all about accepting the seasons of motherhood and celebrating the small wins along the way. As one mum reflected, "The days might be long, but the years are short." So, instead of wishing for the next milestone, learn to savour the present and find joy in the everyday moments of motherhood.

Remember, you are doing a great job! Being a mum is incredibly rewarding, but it's also challenging and full of self-doubt. Give yourself grace and compassion as you navigate this journey. Ask for help when you need it and surround yourself with a supportive village of friends, family, and other mums who can relate to your experiences.

Finding Joy in the Everyday

Here are some ways to embrace and celebrate the everyday moments of motherhood:

• Cuddle your baby – Take time to snuggle and enjoy those precious moments of connection. "If all you've done today is feed your baby and let your baby sleep on you, that's the two most important things you could do today."
• Prioritize self-care – Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. Ask for help so you can take a shower, brush your hair, or simply enjoy a quiet moment to yourself.
• Savor the little things – From rocking your baby to sleep to their first steps, cherish the small moments that make motherhood special. You'll miss them when they're gone.
• Connect with other mums – Find your tribe and build a support system of other mums who understand the joys and struggles of motherhood. It's reassuring to know you're not alone in this journey.

The Power of Community: Building Your Village

Motherhood can be isolating, and it's crucial to build a supportive community to navigate the challenges and share the joys of this journey. Lucy and Tam emphasize the importance of finding your "village"—a network of friends, family, and other mums who can relate to your experiences.

Attending mum's groups can be a great way to connect with other mums and normalize the struggles and emotions you may be feeling. As Lucy and Tam discuss, it's easy to get caught up in the idea that everyone else is having an easier time or enjoying every moment of motherhood. However, by sharing their own experiences and being honest about the challenges they've faced, they encourage other mums to do the same and find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

Building this community can be especially important when dealing with issues like postnatal depression. Lucy shares her experience of struggling with her mental health and how having an outlet and support system could have made a significant difference during that difficult time.

It's also worth noting that dads may not always understand the extent of the identity shift that comes with motherhood. Lucy shares how her husband, Mark, initially took her concerns about losing her sense of self as a personal attack, even though he is a supportive and involved father. This further highlights the importance of finding your village—a safe space to express your feelings and connect with others who truly understand the unique challenges of motherhood.

The Benefits of Mother's Groups

Mother's groups can be a great way to build your village and find a sense of community. These groups offer a space to share experiences, seek advice, and connect with other mums who are navigating similar journeys. You can find reassurance and support, and you may even make lifelong friends.

Don't be afraid to delve into the struggles and emotions you're facing. As Lucy and Tam discuss, normalizing these conversations helps other mums feel less guilty and isolated. Sharing your experiences can also provide valuable insights and strategies for managing the challenges of motherhood.

Navigating Relationship Dynamics Post-Baby

Having a baby can significantly impact your relationship with your partner, and it's essential to be aware of the potential challenges and adjustments needed.

You may find yourself navigating new roles and dynamics as parents, and it's not uncommon to experience a shift in your identity beyond just being a couple. As Lucy shared, she felt like she lost herself in motherhood, becoming solely "Maisie's mum" for a while.

This identity crisis is a common struggle for new mums, and it can be challenging for partners to understand, especially when they haven't experienced the same level of change.

Lucy's husband, Mark, is described as a "supportive and involved father", yet she still felt a sense of jealousy and resentment towards him. This is a common feeling, as new mums may feel their partners can "switch off from being a dad" while they feel they can't switch off from being a mum.

This can lead to possessiveness over the baby and trust issues, even when your partner is competent and caring. It's essential to communicate your needs and expectations clearly and work together to find a balance that supports both of you.

Understanding Partner Roles

Recognize that the transition to parenthood may be different for each of you. While you're navigating the intense physical and emotional demands of motherhood, your partner may be facing their own set of challenges, even if they don't seem as apparent.

As Lucy points out, "not as much changes for dads", and this can lead to feelings of jealousy or resentment. However, it's important to remember that dads may also struggle with their new roles and responsibilities, even if it's in different ways.

Open and honest communication is key. Share your experiences and emotions with your partner and try to understand each other's perspectives. This will help you work as a team and ensure that both your needs are being considered.

Communicating Needs and Expectations

Don't assume your partner knows what you need or how you're feeling. Clearly communicate your expectations and work together to find solutions. For example, if you're feeling overwhelmed, ask for specific ways your partner can help, such as taking over certain tasks or giving you dedicated time for self-care.

It's also important to manage your own expectations. Motherhood can be all-consuming, and it's easy to feel disappointed or frustrated when your partner seems to have more freedom. Remember that this doesn't mean they aren't also committed and dedicated parents.

As Lucy shares, it took her some time to "let go" and trust her husband with their baby. Eventually, she realized that "the sooner you let go, the easier the journey becomes". This trust and partnership are crucial for your relationship and your well-being.

Managing Jealousy and Resentment

It's normal to feel a sense of jealousy or resentment towards your partner, especially if you feel they have more freedom or time for themselves. However, it's important to address these feelings and work through them constructively.

Try to reframe your perspective and focus on gratitude. Recognize that your partner's ability to step away or take a break is not a sign of their lack of commitment but rather an opportunity for them to recharge and bring their best selves back to your family.

Also, remember that you are a team. Work together to find ways for both of you to have time for yourselves and your relationship. This might include taking turns having time off, finding hobbies you can enjoy together, or simply checking in with each other regularly to ensure both your needs are being met.

Rebuilding Intimacy

The arrival of a baby can significantly impact your physical and emotional intimacy as a couple. It's important to recognize that this aspect of your relationship may need extra attention and nurturing during this time.

Be patient with yourself and your partner as you adjust to your new normal. Find ways to reconnect and create intimate moments, whether it's through date nights, shared hobbies, or simply carving out time for meaningful conversations. Remember that intimacy can take many forms, and it's about finding what works for the two of you.

The Emotional and Physical Changes of Motherhood

Motherhood brings about a multitude of emotional and physical changes that can significantly impact a woman's life. One of the most notable aspects is the hormonal shifts that occur during and after pregnancy. These hormonal changes can affect everything from mood and energy levels to body image and intimacy.

Speaking of body image, many mothers struggle with self-acceptance and body confidence after giving birth. It's common to experience changes in your body that may be difficult to accept, such as weight gain, stretch marks, or a cesarean scar. It's important to remember that every body is unique and that these changes are a testament to the incredible process of bringing life into the world.

Sleep deprivation is another common challenge for new mothers. The constant demands of a newborn can lead to exhaustion and emotional upheaval. It's crucial to prioritize sleep whenever possible and to remember that this intense period is temporary.

Adjusting to the "new normal" can take time and patience. As one mother shared, it can feel like you've lost yourself in motherhood, becoming solely defined by your role as a mother. This identity crisis is a common struggle, and it's important to be kind to yourself during this transition.

Embracing the Journey

While the emotional and physical changes of motherhood can be challenging, it's important to embrace the journey and celebrate the strengths of your body. As one mother reflected, it's crucial to give yourself "grace" and to be kinder to yourself. Remember that your body has accomplished something extraordinary, and it deserves appreciation and care.

Practical Tips for New Mums

Becoming a new mum can be a traumatic and disorienting experience. You might feel like you've lost yourself and your old identity. You might also feel pressure to be perfect and to do everything immediately after giving birth.

Here are some practical tips to help you navigate the challenges of new motherhood:

Prioritising Self-Care

It's important to give yourself time to heal and adjust to your new role. Don't be too hard on yourself and remember that it's okay to not be perfect. Take care of your basic needs, such as showering and sleeping when you can. It's also crucial to prioritise your mental health and seek help if you're struggling with postnatal depression or anxiety.

Finding Time for Yourself

As a new mum, you might feel like you've lost your sense of individuality and independence. It's important to carve out time for yourself and engage in activities that make you feel like you again. This might include hobbies, socialising with friends, or simply enjoying some quiet time alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your partner, family, or support networks so you can have this time to yourself.

Leveraging Support Networks

You don't have to go through new motherhood alone. Reach out to your friends, family, and other new mums for support and community. Join support groups or online forums where you can share your experiences and learn from others. It's also important to lean on your partner and communicate your needs to ensure you're both on the same page.

Setting Real Expectations

It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others or idealising motherhood. Remember that everyone's journey is unique and it's okay if your experience doesn't match your expectations. Be kind to yourself and adjust your standards to fit your new reality. As Lucy shared, "it's crazy that we put so much pressure on ourselves". So, lower the bar and celebrate your small wins!

The Pressure of Postpartum Body Image

Postpartum body image can be a challenging aspect of new motherhood. It's common to feel pressure to "bounce back" to your pre-pregnancy body, which can lead to unrealistic expectations and self-criticism. As one mother shared, it's easy to compare yourself to others, whether it's other moms in a mom's group or celebrities on social media, who may have personal trainers and chefs to help them.

This pressure can be internal as well, as you adjust to the changes in your body and hormones after pregnancy. You might struggle with weight gain, stretch marks, or a cesarean scar, feeling like you've lost yourself and your pre-motherhood identity. It's important to remember that every body is unique and that these changes are a natural part of the postpartum journey. As one mom reflected, "it's crazy that we put so much pressure on ourselves".

The Impact of Social Comparisons

Social comparisons can exacerbate the pressure new moms feel about their bodies. Whether it's seeing other moms in person or scrolling through social media, it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing your appearance or accomplishments. However, it's important to remember that what we see on social media may not always be an accurate representation of reality. Celebrities, for example, may have a team of professionals helping them, which isn't always feasible for new moms.

Embracing Your Unique Journey

Instead of comparing yourself to others, try to embrace your unique postpartum journey. Every body is different, and it's important to celebrate the achievements of your body, such as bringing life into the world. As one mom shared, "we should be celebrating our bodies for what we have actually gone through". It's a process of self-acceptance and learning to be kinder to yourself.

Shifting Focus to Health Over Appearance

While appearance may be a concern for new moms, it's important to shift the focus to health rather than how you look. One mom shared how she eventually started buying clothes that fit her current body and prioritized feeling comfortable over trying to fit into her pre-pregnancy wardrobe. She realized that "it's more about your health than your actual appearance". This shift in perspective can help you appreciate your body and prioritize your well-being.

Celebrating Your Body's Achievements

Your body has accomplished something incredible, and it's important to celebrate those achievements. One mom reflected on how she eventually became proud of her stretch marks and cesarean scar, seeing them as a testament to her strength and the miracle of bringing life into the world. Instead of focusing on how your body looks, try to appreciate its strength and resilience. You've nurtured and brought new life into the world, and that is something to be celebrated and cherished.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Postpartum Life

Becoming a new mum can be an emotional rollercoaster, and it's crucial to understand the hormonal changes that contribute to this. You may experience copious emotional highs and lows, and it's important to know that this is normal and you're not alone in feeling this way.

As your body adjusts after giving birth, you may find yourself dealing with a range of emotions. For example, Lucy shared her experience of feeling touched out and not wanting physical contact, even from her husband. She also discussed the pressure she felt to "bounce back" and how she was still coming to terms with her body's changes. It's essential to recognize that everyone's experience is unique and that it's okay to not feel like yourself right away.

Seeking Professional Help When Needed

If you're struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, it's important to seek professional help. Lucy, for instance, shared how not having an outlet for her feelings contributed to her postnatal depression. She realized that letting go of expectations and accepting the situation made the journey easier. It's crucial to prioritize your mental health and reach out for support if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Practicing Self-Compassion

Be kind and compassionate to yourself during this time. Adjust your standards and celebrate your small wins as a new mum. Give yourself time to heal and adapt to your new life as a mother. Remember, you're doing a great job, and it's normal to have a range of emotions. Go with your gut instinct and stand up for yourself when needed. As Lucy advised, "you're already a mum, but you learn not to put so much pressure on yourself". So, lower the bar, embrace your feelings, and know that you're not alone in this journey.

The Guilt of Wishing Away Time

Becoming a mother for the first time can be overwhelming. You may find yourself wishing away the early months, hoping for the next milestone: "I can't wait till she sleeps through the night. I can't wait till she goes down for a nap". But then, guilt sets in as you realize how quickly time passes and those moments are gone forever. You may feel guilty for not relishing every moment and wishing some of it away. It's a common experience, and you're not alone in feeling this way.

The Reality of Parental Guilt

The feeling of "mum guilt" is universal and ever-present. It's that nagging sense of guilt that creeps in when you wish for a moment to yourself or long for a different stage of your child's life. It's important to recognize that these feelings are normal and that you're not alone in this journey. Many mothers experience the same emotions and struggles.

Learning to Live in the Moment

While it's easy to get caught up in the challenges of new motherhood, it's crucial to embrace the present and cherish the small moments. As one mom reflected, "hindsight is such an amazing thing". You may find yourself missing those sleepless nights and newborn cuddles once they're gone. So, try to savor the little moments and appreciate the uniqueness of each stage of your child's development.

Balancing Patience and Anticipation

New motherhood can be a test of patience, but it's important to strike a balance between wishing for the next milestone and embracing the present. Give yourself time to heal and adjust to your new life as a mother. Remember that each stage has its challenges and joys, and it's okay to look forward to the future while also appreciating the present.

Embracing the Present

Instead of wishing time away, try to embrace the present moment and trust your instincts as a mother. As one mom advised, "follow your gut". You know your child better than anyone else, and it's important to advocate for yourself and your baby. It's okay to set boundaries and take time for yourself. By embracing the present and letting go of expectations, you can enjoy the unique journey of motherhood and create lasting memories.

The Importance of Cherishing Every Moment

As a new mum, you may find yourself overwhelmed and wishing away the early months, longing for the next milestone. But it's crucial to recognize the fleeting nature of time and the importance of cherishing every moment. One mum reflected on how she wished she could "go back in time and enjoy those nights of cuddles and newborn moments." It's easy to get caught up in the challenges and wish for an easier future, but these moments are precious and unique. You may find yourself missing the little things once they're gone, like rocking your baby to sleep or their first steps.

Finding Joy in Daily Routines

While the days can feel long and exhausting, it's important to find joy in the daily routines. Instead of focusing on the challenges, try to embrace the little moments and create lasting memories. As one mum advised, "if all you've done today is feed your baby and let them sleep on you, that's the two most important things you could do." So, give yourself grace, ask for help, and take time to care for yourself. You are doing an amazing job, and these daily routines are an essential part of your journey as a mother.

Creating Lasting Memories

Motherhood is a beautiful journey, but it can also be overwhelming and exhausting. It's important to create lasting memories that you can look back on fondly. Take photos, write in a journal, or simply soak in the little moments that bring you joy. As one mum shared, "it's the little things that you miss... you don't get a warning when your last is coming." So, embrace the chaos and find beauty in the everyday moments of motherhood.

The Value of Reflection

It's only when we look back that we truly appreciate the importance of cherishing every moment. As one mum reflected, "hindsight is such an amazing thing". We often don't realize the value of these moments until they're gone. So, take time to reflect and appreciate the uniqueness of your journey. Celebrate your small wins and trust your instincts as a mother. You are doing a great job, and these memories will become treasured reminders of your strength and love as a mother.

Navigating Generational Differences in Parenting

One of the challenges of modern motherhood is navigating the generational differences in parenting styles and philosophies. As one mom put it, "it's just trying to educate them too". When it comes to parenting choices, it's important to communicate assertively while respecting your family's input, especially when they come from a different era of parenting. For instance, when introducing allergens to her baby, one mom faced resistance from her own mother, who "laughed it off," saying, "we never did that back in the day". However, the new mom's instincts proved right when her baby had a severe allergic reaction to eggs, something that could have been avoided with modern practices. It's a constant balancing act between being assertive and respectful, especially when dealing with grandparents who are now in the role of nannies. While they may poke fun at your strict routines, it's crucial to stand your ground and educate them on current parenting practices. After all, they are advancing in a different era, and what was considered safe and normal then might not be the case now. It's a fine line to tread, as you don't want to upset your own mom, but you also need to advocate for your child's well-being.

Understanding and Embracing Differences

It's important to recognize that parenting has evolved and that generational gaps can lead to disagreements. As one mom shared, "it's just reassuring and trying not to snap back and offend them about how they raised us". It's a delicate dance, especially when dealing with well-meaning grandparents who want to relive the joys of parenting through their grandchildren. They may not understand your gentle parenting approach, your rejection of time-outs, or your comforting of a sensitive child's tears. However, by understanding their perspective and educating them on modern practices, you can bridge the generational gap and foster a more harmonious relationship. Remember, they are navigating a new role as nannies, and it can be a shock for them to realize the changes in parenting styles. So, patience and communication are key to navigating these generational differences.

The Evolution of Parenting Resources

The resources available to parents have evolved significantly over time. While previous generations relied primarily on books and childcare facilities for guidance, modern parents have access to a wealth of information at their fingertips through the internet and online communities. This shift has empowered parents to be more informed and involved in their children's development, allowing them to navigate the challenges of parenting with greater confidence and support.

From Books to the Internet

In the past, parents often turned to books as their primary source of parenting advice. However, as one mom pointed out, "there was no internet, no forums, no nothing to be able to get your own information about stuff." This limited the accessibility and diversity of information available, as books may not always reflect the latest research or cater to individual needs.

Today, the internet has revolutionized how parents access information. With a few clicks, parents can find up-to-date research, expert opinions, and personal testimonials on virtually any parenting topic. This enables parents to make more informed decisions and adapt their approaches based on a wide range of perspectives and experiences.

Leveraging Online Communities

The rise of online communities and forums has been a game-changer for parents seeking support and connection. These virtual spaces allow parents to connect with others going through similar experiences, providing a sense of community and shared understanding. Whether it's advice on sleep training or managing allergies, online communities offer a platform for parents to exchange ideas, share struggles, and offer encouragement. This sense of connection can be especially valuable for parents who may feel isolated or overwhelmed, providing a support network that extends beyond their immediate circle.

The Role of Social Media in Parenting

Social media has also played a significant role in shaping modern parenting. Platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok have become digital playgrounds for parents to document their journeys, seek inspiration, and connect with like-minded individuals. From parenting influencers offering lifestyle tips to online support groups providing emotional support, social media has created a space for parents to engage, learn, and find solace. However, it's important to remember that social media often presents a curated version of reality, and it's essential to evaluate the credibility of online advice and prioritize reliable sources.

Evaluating the Credibility of Online Advice

With the abundance of information available online, it's crucial for parents to discern between reliable and misleading advice. Not all sources are created equal, and it's important to verify the credibility of the information you come across. Look for reputable websites, evidence-based research, and trusted organizations that provide accurate and up-to-date guidance. Additionally, consider the context and relevance of the information to your specific situation, as what works for one family may not be suitable for another.

The Benefits of Gentle Parenting

One approach that has gained traction in modern parenting is gentle parenting, which involves embracing a child's emotions and sensitivity rather than suppressing them. This style of parenting stands in contrast to traditional methods, which often involved time-outs and discouraging children from expressing their emotions, particularly boys. Gentle parenting recognises that crying is a natural and healthy expression of emotion, and that allowing children to experience and release their feelings is an important part of their development.

For example, one mom shared her experience with her eldest child, who is very sensitive and prone to tears. Instead of telling her to stop crying, as might have been the approach in previous generations, she embraces her child's emotions and offers comfort and understanding. She recognises that crying is a sign of strength and that allowing her child to express their feelings will ultimately help them develop emotional intelligence and resilience. This approach also extends to boys, challenging the outdated notion that boys shouldn't cry and encouraging a healthier expression of emotions regardless of gender.

Gentle parenting also involves following your intuition and trusting your instincts as a parent. This can be particularly important when navigating interference from well-meaning family members or outsiders who may offer unsolicited advice or question your parenting choices. By trusting your gut and seeking multiple opinions, you can make informed decisions that feel right for you and your child, even if they differ from traditional norms.

While gentle parenting may face criticism from traditionalists, it is important to remember that parenting styles evolve and that each family must find what works best for them. By embracing a more compassionate and intuitive approach, gentle parenting can foster emotional intelligence, resilience, and a strong parent-child bond. So, don't be afraid to follow your instincts and chart your own path in your parenting journey.

Trust Your Instincts: Navigating Parental Advice

Becoming a parent for the first time can be overwhelming, and it's natural to seek advice and support from family, friends, and other parents. However, it's important to remember that you are the expert on your own child. While it's great to have a support system and exchange experiences, ultimately, you need to trust your instincts and make decisions that feel right for you and your family.

Every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. "You know your own kid", as one mom shared. By tuning into your intuition, you can make choices that are tailored to your child's individual needs and personality. For example, one mom shared her experience with her eldest child's sensitivity and how she embraced their emotions, rather than suppressing them, which is a common gentle parenting approach.

It can be challenging to navigate well-meaning advice from family members and outsiders, especially when it contradicts your own instincts. In these situations, it's crucial to stand your ground and assert yourself as the parent, even if it means going against traditional norms or family expectations. As one mom advised, "just go with your gut, stand up for yourself". Remember, you know your child best.

Seeking a Second Opinion

While trusting your instincts is essential, it's also beneficial to seek multiple opinions when making important decisions. This doesn't mean you have to follow everyone's advice, but it can provide valuable perspective and insight to inform your choices. For instance, when facing interference or unsolicited advice, consider getting a second or third opinion from trusted sources to help guide your decision-making.

Additionally, it's important to remember that parenting is a journey and it's okay to make mistakes. Give yourself time to heal and adjust to your new role. Don't be too hard on yourself and remember that self-care is crucial. As one mom reflected, "you've just become a mom. You've just had a baby and [...] everything can wait. The washing can wait. The cooking can wait". Take the time to cherish those little moments and enjoy your journey into parenthood.

Conclusion: The Joys and Challenges of Motherhood

Motherhood is a life-changing journey, filled with joys and challenges that are unique to each individual. It is a privilege to experience the love and bond that comes with being a mother, but it is also important to acknowledge the difficulties that may arise.

One of the biggest challenges new mothers face is the pressure they put on themselves. It is common to feel like you are losing your identity as you take on the role of a mother, and this can lead to depression and a sense of isolation. It is crucial to give yourself time to heal and adjust to your new role, without putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. Remember, "you've just become a mom. The washing can wait. The cooking can wait. Take the time to cherish those little moments and enjoy your journey into parenthood."

It is also important to seek support and find your village of like-minded individuals who can relate to your experiences. Whether it's family, friends, or other mothers, having a support system can make a world of difference in your journey. Normalising the struggles and emotions that come with motherhood is essential, as it helps reduce feelings of guilt and isolation. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and it is okay to ask for help.

Lastly, trust your instincts and follow your gut. You are the expert on your own child and your own experience. While it is great to seek advice and learn from others, ultimately, you need to make decisions that feel right for you and your family. Embrace the journey and cherish the little moments, for they are what make motherhood so special and rewarding.

‍